To a distant friend lost in confusion – with great sorrow, after too many losses

At the ending of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”, just before drinking the poison, the prince speaks his last words and final plea to his friend:

(Hamlet to Horatio):

I am dead;

Thou livest; report me and my cause aright

To the unsatisfied.

[…]

If you didst ever hold me in thy heart,

Absent thee from felicity awhile,

And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain,

To tell my story.

[…]  [Dies.

(then Horatio speaks his farewell):

 

Hor.  Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince;

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

W. Skakespeare; Hamlet, Act V, Scene II


These words by Hamlet have lighted my path after Ariel’s passing –at least with respect to her and her memory–. She was a princess as well; I was her best friend most of her life, aside of being her older brother all of it… As she was poorly known in her essence, seldom accepted and very often misunderstood, I’ve drawn my breath in pain to tell portions of her story; of her reason and reasons for being so mindfuckingly lovely -or lovingly mindfucking-  and unspeakably weird… as any princess has to be. – (I didn’t know the word “mindfucking“, but she was called so just a week before dying, and I will never forget it; neither the fact nor the word itself.)

Having lost her; being away from her; this labour of “recall, show and tell” still occupies my mind and my hours. And “the rest is silence” -as it was also famously written in the same scene of Hamlet’s death.

I wish to point out as well that, while Hamlet killed himself, my sister did not. But thought many times about doing it; one of them just a few days before her natural death. Of course, I can swear under torture that this aim of her was not a “colossal mindfuck”, as a distant relative-to-be and close friend non-famously (and perhaps, infamously) reproached her in her most need. Maybe it was a weakness of her to wish death, or maybe just lucidity and courage… Anyway, it was fair & free will, and everybody should have respected it to the last consequence.

She overcame quite well this reproach. Hence, I did too; wishfully thinking it was a product of anxiety and concern. But now I realize it could have beeen more deeply heartfelt, since he who scolded her has needed to move away and forget her, to do not “absent from felicity”… (or loneliness, or unfairness, or whatever the feelings this person needs to preserve.)

As things went, she faced her end courageously, entered quietly the final darkness; crossed it toward some deeply expected (and deserved) light… I will believe she found it until my last instant in this world; and maybe then, I will really know.

I do belive the part about “flights of angels” too – yep! …, singing Ariel to her rest!- Why not?

What else…!

mindfuck-hd
Spirited Away (2001) – screenshot of the tunnel’s entrance (guarded by a two-faced idol) that Chihiro crosses at the beginning of the movie

 


So long, my friend… You did harm to her in her most need -even if she didn’t tell you, because she loved you with goodness and Grace, perhaps beyond our understanding-, and now you have done harm to me and let me down in my own, lesser need. – I still wish you health and luck in this life, but I feel that we won’t meet beyond the tunnel when the time arrives. I don’t feel you’ll meet Ariel either, but this is, of course, more uncertain, since she was really pure and, probably, an Angel.


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3 thoughts on “To a distant friend lost in confusion – with great sorrow, after too many losses

  1. Li, Since you have chosen to post this personal matter publicly, I am obliged to respond accordingly.
    First of all, the use of the phrase “colossal mindfuck” was NOT a reproach – it was a spontaneous panic shock reaction to what I perceived as a suicide note at a time I was trying to do all I could to give her hope, and something to live for. We had a misunderstanding, as all relationships have, which I thought was understood, resolved, and laid to rest, and now you have blindsidedly attacked me with it, as you have on numerous occasions, this time publicly. People who live in glass houses should not throw stones; remove my comments from your blogs, respect my ethical and legal right to privacy with confidential information, and I assure you I will continue to do likewise. I do not discuss this with others.
    I never said goodbye -YOU did. I was not “lost”, until all of this. All I asked for was a little distance with time and space to get well and heal without reliving the nightmare daily. I had no intention or possibility of ever forgetting. I have repeatedly tried to tell you that I am and have been very, very sick… unable to focus or think straight, with my feelings all but destroyed, and my absence and brevity of comments were due to that, and as I also mentioned, much of the subject matter strange to me, or too “over my head” to respond to in kind. You’re not the only one who hurts, and I never before reproached you, much less trolled and tagged you to interfere with your relations or damage your reputation. This was entirely uncalled for, unjustified, and wrong. Bury your hatchet; let us go our separate ways in peace. I need to try and salvage what little life I have left; perhaps you should do likewise. I wish you the best.

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    1. John,
      After sending to you two long personal emails these past days and after waiting in vain for some response to my worries and questions, I’ve followed my right to express my disappointment and my complaint about a matter that, in its time, caused harm in my household. I’ve not divulgated any confidential information, since you wrote the exact words I’ve written here in a public post -even if later on, you deleted them; probably because you felt them as most inadequate-. Beyond this, all my personal judgments about your silence and detachment are in my right to express whenever and wherever I wish.
      Don’t say that I’ve trolled and tagged you when I have not done it. Do not invent things to defend your points.
      And most especially, do not give me advice about my life or well-being. Less, tacitly menace me with stones and hatchets that I have never used, or wanted to use.
      Maybe you cannot think straight -as you say yourself- at the time to respond to kindness and friendship, but you really do at the time of being aggressive and haughty (not only with me).
      I agree to not harming anybody’s reputation, so I invite you to answer my mails, and explain whatever else you want privately, as I looked forward until right now.
      If these posts of mine (in fact is just one, twice posted) has served to make you talk to me, I’m glad to have published them.
      (And, please!, do not wish me “the best” in that tone, because does not do any good to anybody.)

      Like

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